On the Fly bare bones Issue 0

I am about to go and print up some full color covers etc. for my re entry into the dead concept of zines at Kinko's. I am taking it back to 1996 (wow what a great year) and producing a zine that you can send in the mail as well as read on the toilet. I am not sure of the title but I did a little one for a quick poop for a good shit of a friend Tim. I named it On the Fly as I was putting it together while working a crap job (wow that is a lot of toilet references) on a slow afternoon.

The insurance world is awful and not for me, but the I did get some writing done when I was often abandonned with little training. So here is the, I guess prototype to my zine which should be done this week. The official first issue has a lot of wrestling writing but also some comics and journal stuff. Enjoy and let me know if by some weird chance someone is reading this and even weirder that they would like a zine mailed to them or emailed as a word document. I also just realized that the photos I used are not transferring over, so I will just post a mug shot of a great wrestler Dick Slater who I hope is doing better.

On the Fly(I should be working) Issue: 1 Circulation:1
INTRO OUTRO

This zine is a one time special issue. What will it contain? The findings of a foolish boy from Kansas who should be working his butt off trying to make his sales quota but the boy is tired and alone in the office. Possibly not alone due to big brother’s computer eye. Is he safe from State Farm’s brown eye that blocks hotmails and you tubes and my wife Ashleys? Oops a friend told me. Is word safe from prying eyes? I am at least here. Right? All done on the fly.

Things I wish I could do better: draw, lose weight and smooth talk. I am a comfortable talker but by no means a smooth one. I often wish I had a choice of super powers. One would be that simply by opening my mouth and speaking people would fall in love with me. OK yeah that was a shitty movie called Love Potion #9. Now that I think of it if I had that power shouldn’t I use it for something other than selling insurance?

How did I end up almost 35 and in California which is so full of itself, that South Park episode was right it is amazing between the over indulged kids, hypenated names and Green cars that I have not ended up in a tower with a rifle.
No more ranting and moaning. Here are some choice cuts from the Diary of a Madman, wait scratch that Ozzy reference. Diary of a I am going to snap someday guy:
DIARY OF A POOP BUTT (excerpts the negative)

What I like as of 9-9-8: I got yelled at last night. I looked up flights home for Christmas. I read some of the new Sedaris book. I feel alone. I feel like 2 employees. I finished the Wire, I cried when Michael left Bug at the aunt’s house. I watched a horrible wrestling program XPW TV, Onita’s press conference made me laugh. Palin speaks like Pickles and looks like Tina Fey’s wise aunt. I think I look ok today. I wish I could take the day off and eat pizza and catch up on AAA. I miss the boys all of them nephews and friends alike. I have not done a lot yet today, just day to day stuff. I am thinking about looking into a part time job at a homeless shelter. I was proud that I shaved, showered etc. last night so I could sleep a little more this morning.

Hey kid this is not a library, is seldom heard. Now discouraging words…Had Subway in the park and hated myself, homeless laughing man in the gazebo, I should have given him half instead of waiting for the empty belch to finish… I am a prick. After lunch my peeing increases. I should be making phone calls. I will hang information on doors later and hope no one sticks angry dogs on my butt.
I am a false front, I walked into the parking lot and realized that no one really sees the dark cloud I have inside. Ancient Chinese Secret. Afternoon upswing, coffee breath and a crazy man from Bulgaria in the office, wealthy garbage man was he. Could I hang off those trucks and lose my sense of smell? Here yes in Kansas no with the cold and the ice storms, but it would be nice after a long cold day to warm up your feet and watch the weather girl and take a nap. I miss the seasons, I should be charged rent at Safeway. Good night.

The bump in the night/day of Sept. 10: Houston I had a problem, you know the shirt I liked? Within 5 minutes of preparing a dinner it was assaulted and thrown across the room by a lumpy guy who had Safeway chicken salad breath mixed with feta cheese and apple chips. OK OK it was me.
Hi here is my card for Sept. 11, 2008 not so lucky #7, maybe it is a death dealer card. Damn shirt does not want to stay tucked in today, smells like fresh laundry though. Had some wine and cheese and won a bottle of wine. Knee deep in the Skrull invasion and felt like one. Embrace change, change into more comfortable clothes. Digging up business as I think about elbow drop beat down and how I want to go to McDonald’s for a Big Mac and read comics in peace.

A demand list was given for the one hostage of the true me; a sports car, bigger house, nanny and a new baby. In too deep should take up soccer and block a shot every period with my testicles. Rich white and business like I do not believe is me. Not too bad a mood, some jokes but I was told I need to get thicker skin. Hey guess what you need to have a nicer mouth. The responsibility I guess is on the person who has hurt feelings.

AND A RANDOM ONE FOR THE ROAD:
Sometimes I think it would be nice to just leave everything all behind. Go back to Hays and work at Hastings and have a small apartment. I would be 3 hours from my friends and 1 and a half from my family. Or maybe move to New Jersey and get a shit job and go to wrestling shows. Or maybe I should grown up and quit being interested in comics, characters and toys. I am lost and it is bad as being lost on highways in the mountains late at night. Maybe I could go to Japan and work and go to BJW shows and enjoy the consideration and quiet of a full country. Maybe I could move to Canton and get a good house for a decent price, open a video store and live the rest of my days in a lonely peace. I know what I am supposed to want; big house and a nice car. I want a house where I can have my stuff out.

Top Ten Wrestlers My favorite 2 that are tickling my fancy as of 10-3-8 when I should be elbow deep in sales (this is on the fly god damnit):

1. Chessman I side with him in his feud with Cibernetico. Cibernetico is the HHH of AAA (clever huh?) A couple of weeks ago they had their first big one on one and he wore this odd orange doll mask with hair and removed it to have smudged black face paint. He looked deranged so it was great. He also in the same match took a nutty as a squirrel turd bump from a stunner off the apron onto a table. He lost but I hope they give him his own group with a certain gladiator I like. Yeah right. His throw away match with Ricky Marvin as his partner was so great, especially the spearing of Jack Evans through the ropes and a table. Chessman is a big caveman who bumps like crazy and has his mental good days and bad. I guess I relate.
Shadow WX: This pic is from his hot sauce board death match that I have not seen yet. It is getting mixed reviews. But hey I was excited to hear he won the belt again. He looks different now, slimmed down and tan. I wonder why guys go back to death matches after leaving it? I was just watching one last night and Shadow had tubes stuck in the front of his shirt and then got a knee splash. His death match finish is nutty as it is a light tube lariat. He is one passionate fella and hey Winger is back too. Will they team them up or have them kill each other? Knowing BJW they will do both. Heated singles match one day meaningless 6 man the next day.


The good:
Halloween type TV

Too many DVDs to watch

Burger King by the San Carlos airport

Skaar Son of Hulk

I had coffee today and a random girl smiled at me on Laurel St.

Sweet Brown Sugar aka Stagger Lee aka Koko B. Ware

10-30-8 is an overcast day with rain (finally)

The bad:
Baseball is over

No time to watch too many DVDs

Eyes watching over for State Farm

Bagging your weasel

Green, green politics- flamethrower this state

The ugly:
Said bagged weasel

The 4AM poop that died 10-29-8 onion
blossom covered in wet sand

Trying to sell something that you cannot touch, taster or fart on

*This quickly produced zine should be read on the toilet, but not for a big get a pillow poop but a quick one. For bigger and longer poops I recommend the following:
Planet Hulk
Joke Books
Wii manuals

Taking bites out of a 6 foot poop hoagie

Well I just looked at my previous post and the poop smeared writing was on the wall. But did i have to read it the day before my birthday? Come on! Yep I was let go from the insurance world the day before i turned 35. In some ways it was a relief, but in one big way it is not. Yep money. Sure i was not making a ton but better than now!

I have filed for unemployment and had to send more documents to prove that I am what I am. Who the hell would want to be me? If by some chance my ID was stolen it would be returned in a matter of days. But I have been writing more and plan on updating this more often. I was paid a high compliment by she who cannot be named that my writing was well written. Never mind the content but you take what you can get.

The job market is really awful and even worse where I am living (if you can call it living). In the past when I was in crisis the nights were the toughest times. Now it is bad in the morning when i am puttering around and cannot sit still, trying to plan out how to be productive and not feel like a loser.

So on top of my relationship slowly tanking and losing a job i was not sold on (sold out maybe?) my Uncle passed away as well. For some reason it has really bothered me. I had not seen him for some time but I really liked him. I look around here and see these inconsiderate rude guys and think they are not half the man my uncle was. He didn't make a ton of money, but he enjoyed what he did, doing handyman work. He loved my aunt and I do not mean in the flowery overpriced vacation way. He understood the day to day things that show that you are tuned in and care. He drove her to work every morning, made her meals and would get up before her to turn on the space heater in the bathroom so she would not have to walk on cold tiles. I miss my family more than i ever thought i would. I miss the gathering and ball busting that goes on. My uncle was there with a smile and would often shake his head at our salty family. He was a Cowboys fan and I truly think that is the reason why i no longer hate that franchise.

Tomorrow is another day of searching for jobs and trying to not feel so damn down in the AM. I think of how George Carlin said in an interview about how dying would suck because he didn't want to miss anything that was going on. He loved sitting down and writing and just being around. I may never do this for a living but it does cheer me up... most of the times.

Good Lord are you kidding?

OK so I so Gol Eesh and Whoa Nelly but has it really been a year since I have put something down in this here blog? I am planning on writing more not that anyone cares. Valentine's still sucks a year later, but the photo of the real Loverboy Dennis Condrey says it ain't so. I got an I Tunes gift card, some candy and stomach cramps and the brown water runs for 09. The best memory I have of Vday is not flowers and romance but cropdusting a couple with a heinous thai food fart in 07. Smell the love.

What has happened in a year:

Almost broke up, almost moved out, almost almost.

I saw AAA live in San Jose. My love for Chessman is > most

I still resemble a water balloon with a ruber band tied around it (at least not a grape on tooth picks.... yet)

Much more but I am doing this on the fly at my job. Who knows how long this will last? Will the earth hurry up and end soon so I do not have to go through the trouble and being fake for interviews etc.

Happy Valentine's My ass...

Today was really just a Thursday in February. Huge blow up last night that was totally uncalled for, half assed apology, rinse repeat, same as it ever was. Too much company around no chance of any love, even self loving. Tomorrow we drink, tomorrow we watch more Mid South, tomorrow we eat too much cereal and fart in the cat's face while getting ready for the Chessman vs. Halloween match in AAA.

ECW 2-5-8

Tuesday seems almost like a dream now. I worked a long day and everyone was in a better mood. I have come to look forward to Tuesdays due to ECW. I got out of the habit of watching it for a little while but I am back in full swing. But if I soon end up on the street hopefully the guys and gals at the drop center will let me watch. Maybe I will work a double shift ladling soup to earn it.

For the second week in a row I really enjoyed the hell out of the show. I was wondering why it was so good and than I read that Big Dust has the book. Things made sense and it did not feel rushed. Note: I am now writing this on a Sunday morning, slept on the couch due to a visiting mom (not mine they she doesn’t fly) and just need to be away from everyone. I have a sore throat and a lot of work to do but I wanted to get this out before next Tuesday.

I was dreading the Gulf of Mexico match and to be truthful I dozed off but saw the finish. I youtubed it Wednesday morning and it was a nice little brawl. I was worried it would be totally cheesy. Not cheesy Rock being pinned by a forklift but more cheesy Bob Holly and Al Snow fighting in the water. But it wasn’t the brawling was fine and I liked the go to sleep into the water. I have finally gotten into the Chavo vs. Punk. But I have a feeling Punk will be getting that belt back soon. It would be nice if they let him look strong for awhile, they have him take too many beatings.

So I guess the sun can shine on a Diva’s ass more than once (I mean real sun not the tanning bed variety). Kelly Kelly is becoming quite a little wrestler. I laughed called her the hottest Ricky Morton. This kind of reminds me of the time when Finlay was in charge of the ladies and they started having decent matches and Trish starts looking like a million bucks. I am not sure if they Victoria working with them all but this match was pretty good. It was short and they were smart keeping Layla in there for just a short time. Michelle McCool hit a great looking kick from the ground and Kelly Kelly’s arm drags and selling were top notch. I know I sound like a broken record but Victoria, Layla and Nise Gail Kim (who doesn’t add a whole lot to me) make a great women in prison faction. Supposedly the match next week is good as well.

Holy shitake! They aired a Jim Ross style interview with Stevie Richards! This was great and I like how Stevie came across sympathetic and yet crazy at the same time. I have always said if I was booking ECW Stevie would be my champ. The guy is a great worker and can be a great heel or face and he can do the silly things as well. I hope they are giving him a shot at Punk because they have had some good matches.

My god the Miz is like the biggest Old Navy in shape prick in the world. He comes out with Morrison wearing a coat and scarf. I am not totally sold on their team but man do I love Morrison’s intro music the Hendrix sounding music. Also the wavy slowing down thing when he comes out is just gold. I was hoping for a Delaney/Dreamer vs. Miz/ Morrison but this singles match is fine. I like how Dreamer is still around and I think helping out as a road agent. I am sure he had to work like hell to get any respect. I am sure some of the other guys think of him as ole’ cheese greater head in warm up pants in a bingo hall. I really hope they put the belts on Delaney and Dreamer. If it was just ECW tag belts they would but I think they may be hesitant considering they are Smackdown belts as well. Good short match and Delaney takes a beating and flies into the barricade. I really still want to see a brawl thru the building big bumps thru tables with these two teams with the good guys winning one.

I was glad they skipped the Kane and Shelton this week. The week before it was not that bad but I am glad they gave it a rest. Kofi had his best outing yet. Not that much different than the other ones but more arm work. I guess a program with Stevie would be good for him. I have been watching a lot of Ernie Ladd and although Kofi is not near as big as the Big Cat it makes me happy to see the double leg drop.

I am keeping my fingers crossed to see this Tuesdays but it is tough with guests etc. It is on at 10 my time and I guess that is one of the benefits of sleeping on the couch, sell being tired and fire up the Big Dust approved ECW.

The Ultimate Frustration

I love how frustrations creep up on you and hit you in the back of the head with an iron skillet as you recline. I am so frustrated right now I want to kick, cry, laugh and eat Jack in the Box tacos. I am working a lot of hours and than I have to come home and defend why I am working a lot of hours and why I am not making more $$$. I just want to do a good job and enjoy life. It looks like I have about 3 unpleasant conversations ahead of me. I must be an idiot I always thought trying to treat others well and being myself would be enough in life.

It was a super nice morning and I almost just drove past work and right on out of this state. I thought about my upstairs neighbor who is moving and how lucky he is that today he will be cruising the open road listening to talk radio and pushing how many miles he can do in one day. Life is odd in the fact I was thinking of my drive out here and all of the hope and promise I had.

Friday Love and Hate

This used to be one of my favorite gimmicks over at DVDR, I guess they do not do it anymore. I always enjoyed it. I have always tried with these to have more positives than negatives.

Love:
1. Swamp Thing- I am on the 3rd graphic novel and am trying to fight the urge to go buy the 4th this weekend. I dig him because he is gentle and for the most part is pretty mellow. Constantine just showed up in this one and it is awesome how he looks like Sting. How they decided to have that choad Keanu play him in a movie is beyond me. This novel was so great with the woman werewolf and the underwater vampires.

2. The Bash and Build WWE figures- These little fellers are small, i think even smaller than the G.I. Joes i played with as a kid. They are extremely detailed and it looks like they used the real scan program. I just bought the Edge one. The rest of the series are guys that i am not totally crazy about but i sort of want to buy them to build the ring (each figure comes with a ring piece). I keep Baby Edge as i call him on my pullout shelf under my keyboard.

3. This upcoming weekend- This has many good parts. I am home alone this weekend so it will be quiet and i have a lot of time for the Watts discs. On top of that it is Super Bowl Weekend. I plan on sleeping in Saturday, having some breakfast and watching a lot of wrestling. I am also looking forward to watching The Best of Buddy Landell in Puerto Rico, which so far has been great.

4. Writing- The boss is gone today and i am out of it so it feels good to just write. I wish it was my job. I still want to someday have a printed zine to send out. I really like this blogging deal.

5. Opie & Anthony (w/ Little Jimmy Norton)- God i wish i could hear it every day. When i first started listening to Free FM i really did not like their show much, i was more of a Carolla guy. I have to do a bank run every day and this is the high spot of my afternoon, getting maybe 10minutes of the show. It really does sound like some friends of mine sitting down and just having fun.

HATE:

1. This job at times. More precise a certain rudo sales person. She treats everyone like trash but since she brings in the numbers we have been told to just deal with it. All of the drama and anger have taken up a huge part of the last two days and i could see me leaving. Not smart during a recession but it is either that or jail time.

2. Me and food- i feel fat and bloated and i just had some onions for lunch. I really need to get on to the gym tonight. When i get stressed I eat or when i do a good job i eat. I am not 6,000 lbs. but i am also not 40 yet. Har har.

3. Can't get going today. Not that big of a deal but i feel guilty and feel like i will feel the wrath of slacking next week. I have been working far too many hours and need to detach myself and enjoy my life.

4. Eli Manning and the Giants- God, Allah, Buddha and Jimmy Swaggert please do not let these ass clowns win. Eli is such a wiener always bitching to the ref about calls and yelling at his receivers. We will never hear the end of it if Eli and his boys snap the streak.