When I am on my deathbed, or shall I say if I am lucky enough to have some time to reflect my life before I die I wonder if I will regret all the time I sat at the keyboard or with notebook writing about silly things like wrestling or comics. Will in those last moments will I wonder what possessed my mid 30s self to watch all 80 episodes of the HBO series 1st and Ten.
I had been on the fence about picking this up and then one day at a Walmart in Mountain View I said what the fuck. I am not sure but it might have been one of the first days that I found the Wal Mart. And I know that sounds bizarre in many ways as they are everywhere but out here it is a little harder to find one. A good Saturday that makes me homesick out here is if I go to the Wal Mart and then have Chiles for lunch. Many enlightened ones in my general vicinity would look at this as hill billyish and the epitome of what is wrong with this dumpy German kids from Western Kansas but hey I say it is the chunks of sausage in the mother fucking gravy. So I braved the people circling the five dollar DVD bin and glanced at the shelf to see for $5 1st and Ten the full show.
I have fond memories of this show and many times when I see certain actors I still associate them with their 1st and Ten characters. Donald Gibb will always be Dr. Death and Delta Burke will never be a Sugar Baker to me but the owner of the Bulls. I have scanned the disc and think I finished most of the first season but I decided I needed to go back and watch with notes. An interesting thing I noticed is around the third or fourth episode they got rid of the laugh track and added nudity. I dare you to find a better trade off in the history of television, canned laughter or beautiful natural eighties boobies?
I also hate how everyone was always so on Delta Burke in later years for being so big. Hey she was always somewhat of a thicker gal but who cares. When I was a young lad in Haysville I remember thinking she was dreamy and I realized I preferred black or brunette hair over the blondes. In one of the early episodes she said “You want some chicken Bob?” and I just thought wow that sounds dirty, so I guess that was the beginning of me reading into things. But then again I recall on an episode of Cheers when Sam and Diane were trying to figure out whose house they would go do it in Diane says about her place “It’s dirty” and Sam says “not if we care about each other”. What my young mind thought Diane was talking about at first was her vagina. So yes the seeds of my depravity began at an early age, thanks Ma and Da for not being so uptight about movies and such, Animal House at 6 a little iffy but it helped warp me to who I am today.
So without further ado I present the 1st and Ten Run downs. I am not sure how I will format this so it is an easy read, it will be a journey back in time. This is the run down of episode one and I should have the notes for 2 done soon. I have a long way to go, about 79 more episodes to be exact.
Episode 1: The Pilot
I saw the name Leslie Easterbrook in the opening credits, is that the blonde sex cop in Police Academy? I should go and look it up on IMDB but I had to unplug the internet cable doo hickey to set at the table. You gotta write about important shit like this at a table, oh and I have a big glass of water and a tumbler of Kamikaze shot mix as I try and make sense of my notes. Holy shit strike that from the record, Delta looks pretty slim and good in the first episode, but sadly episode 2 she starts wearing frumpier outfits. Delta Burke was Kristie Alley before their was A and E and all to do shows about her.
Now I broke one of my rules and did research a little bit about the show. This pilot I guess was for HBO which was trying to appeal to people making television to come over so they could be edgier and not have to worry about FCC regulations. That being said I was shocked at the beginning when Diane catches her husband greasing up tight end Todd Taylor. That is pretty risqué for the eighties I would say. Now days no one would blink an eye. I remember being at my grandma Minnie’s house and HBO had some movie on with Harry Hamlin questioning his straightness and he starts making out with a man and my Grandma jumps up and says “No not in front of the children!” It didn’t really startle me and no not because I have sugar in the tank but I would like to think I was an enlightened young lad. I wish they would have expanded a little more on the story, was Diane being neglected, did her husband still hump her? Did they fire Todd Taylor?
There are a lot of similarities to North Dallas Forty in this episode. The pool party, the new younger QB who is super religious (“Why do I smell like strawberries? Is one of the greatest movie lines, maybe not top ten but top 50) and the aging superstar. Which in this pilot it looked like the new QB star was played by Kent from Real Genius. They seemed to make the Bob Dorsey character a mesh between Nolte and Mac Davis and you sir are no Mac Davis. By the way Mac Davis should have been Burt Reynolds huge in my mind.
This show has that weird 80s thing where it is a comedy but suddenly the music is somber and there is a serious moment. Now it is not as bad as say Family Ties with Alex Keaton and the diet pills but it seems a little out of place when Dian is talking to Roger about how afraid he really is of the Arcolas. The plan is to plant coke and give it to the Bulls and tell them it was from Diane disgracing her and making her sell the Bulls back to her oily filter cigarette smoking butt pirate of a husband (not that there is anything wrong with that matey). So they get a greasy guy that looks like a cross between Taylor Negron and that Gremlins spin off Critter coming out of the toilet to plant coke. But Ernie the disgraced coach that Diane fired comes to the party, keep in mind the wild party with the typical generic keyboard music and no boob showing, and finds the coke saving Diane and his job. All is well with the world and Diane and Ernie are going to take the Bulls to a 500 season ha ha. I am not sure how Ernie getting a tip negates how the whole show they were building up how shitty a job he was doing falling asleep and not knowing players. But hey what did I expect from a pilot.
Laugh out louds for episode: 0
Cringe Worthy moments for episode: lower scale 2-4
Laugh Track: not on for first half of episode, then appears
Observations:
1. All the white guys on the team are good ole country boys, the only difference is slim country white boy or fat lineman country hick deluxe
2. The star wide receiver Witherspoon is in negotiation for 1 million a year and his agent is very Johnny Cochron. Maybe a young Johnny Cockroach was a fan of this show and after a long night of disco dancing took of his platforms and saw this show and thought hey I should base my whole legal persona on this guy.
3. One of the country boys who I think is a tight end named Mason runs a route to impress Diane and after he runs off she is told how he is a flasher and likes to expose himself. It got me thinking how you almost never hear about that crime anymore. I mean I know it happens but when have you ever heard of a pro athlete doing that, and no I don’t think Big Ben counts. Very original to have that be his celebrity weirdness. Wouldn’t it be funny if instead of pro football players welding guns and punching strippers they had a problem where they mooned people and played the unsuspecting game of is that gum on my pants?
Quotable Bulls:
Diane: “How are your knees?”
Bob Dorsey: “Not as pretty as yours”
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