The 330 Relay Throw as it Relates to a Yelling Stripper Face

Even in the dark limo van the company hired to cart us around I could see this one coming. She kind of half stood as her eyes rolled around and she started yelling a flurry of fuck this and yous to me. For me, remarkably I kind of blew it off as I was enjoying talking with the only other sober person on the bus about how this is the set up of a lot of horror movies and we loosely came up with a beginning and a batting order for the death toll. A certain young lady (using the term loosely, my Ma used to get angry when I would refer to a stripper as a lady, “those aren’t ladies John”) just got bumped to lead off in our murder film. I had to ask myself why in the hell was I riding on the drunk bus back home when I had only had a beer?

Why in the fuck was this drunk girl who was only on her second day as I am heading into my second year telling me I am a mother fucking joke (an exact quote and one that I will remember). Why was I not home enjoying sorting baseball cards and drinking Coke Zero listening to tunes back from the day and the day being Hays circa 1997?

I feel like the world is passing by me and I am becoming more and more okay with that by the day. I have had a lot of time this week to be by myself and read, sort cards and daydream. A good bit of my Wednesday night in the moving drunk tank was spent pining for being back in the warm confines of the overpriced unit where I live, alone and at peace. The image for some reason that stuck in my head as I was hoping we would soon arrive back at work so various fellow employees could drunk drive their way home was the Topps 2010 Gabe Kapler Rays card.

I have this rule of trying not to research too much about a topic. I can have the tendency to learn I am interested in something and the next thing you know it is off to the races and I am researching on line and asking around. Recently I have re discovered my love of baseball cards. For years on an odd whim I would pick up a pack at Target over the last full years. Usually I would grab the Topps 206 as the beautiful portraits make even the most mediocre player seem majestic and important (as evident with my Todd Wellemeyer mini card that has been deemed top loader worthy). I would make an occasional stop in the local shop and I knew the value of cards had taken a hit. But the sage like wisdom of Terrence made me realize I could collect in my own way, “Just collect who you like and don’t worry about the get rich guys or hard core guys, just have fun”.

I often times have favorite cards because of the photo which leads me to being a fan of the player. I am not sure when I first pulled the Gabe Kapler card but I am happy to say I have multiples and I have bid on the rare silk backing one but decided my madness needed to stay under $25. So the 330 mark looms so large in this card, like a banner was unrolled for the 330th something… but what? The 330th save? Relay throw? Or maybe the 330th misplayed bloop hit? You can see the blurry outstretched hands of I think Aybar and Kapler does not seem to be that rushed or worried about the throw.

I wonder why Topps chose this picture out of all of the photos that were snapped during the year. Did a group of interns or indy rock type graphic designers get assigned a lower tiered group of players and wanted to put an arty spin on their cards? Did Gabe in his younger days seduce a Topps executive’s second wife after a Sox win and was being punished? Why would you hide a handsome ball player who has done some uhh male modeling (you may want to just trust me on this Google image search) with a 330 mark? I don’t want to know the back story I just enjoy the art of this card and hell it is more fun to speculate.

Looking at the back of his card you see Gabe pretty good numbers and a whole lot of teams. So many teams there isn’t a spot for the positive spin paragraph. So I partially broke my rule and did a Google search just to see where he was going for 2011 and hoping he would stick with the Rays who I am starting to enjoy. Well the sad news is he is heading to the dreaded Dodgers or at least their minor league system (even sadder to see was the banana hammock photos). The funny thing is on my bowling team at company loaded night on my team was a die hard Dodgers fan and I realized rational fans of any team even heated rivals can be fun to talk with about their respective clubs. So I am ok with Gabe going there, hell a guy has to work and because of this unique card I will probably get a small tinge of excitement when Gabe comes to the plate.

As I was exiting the bus I was looking forward to getting home and sorting my cards and placing my own values into top loaders to protect my 15 cent values and maybe looking for some other artistic gems like the Kapler card and I saw the gal swaying and half heartedly trying to get my attention again. I was told later she informed a friend she was waiting to apologize but the attention span of a drunk 24 year old is not too good, as opposed to a on the tail end of 30 his 30s German man child and I never received it.

I went on home to relax and congratulate myself for blowing it off and to wake up early feeling rested and ready. Several people asked me if I received an apology or what it was all about, I was told her being an ass sobered a few up but still no apology via IM, text or stripper like face to double chin face chat, but 2 days later I got a friend request on Facebook… let me off world I don’t understand you at all.